April 2, 2014

The Day I Cut My Hair

 

Hello Everyone,

 

 

First, let me acknowledge the absolutely incredible feedback to my first entry.  I am truly blessed to have so much support and honored to have made such good friends over the years.  Please share this blog, repost, and tell your friends about this experience. I will respond to any questions or comments, all you have to do is ask.

 

Second, a few people have had trouble posting to the blog.  I cannot explain this, nor will I try.  But, as usual, I will provide a solution... Email me your comments at heysosateamsosa@gmail.com.  I will cut and paste them into the blog, either anonymously or with your name/initials/nickname, etc..... 

 

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So, today was a big day for me. Today was the day I cut off all my hair. 

 

Now, as you can see from the pictures, I did not go full "GI Jane," and shave my head.  While I have said "I am going to war," I am honestly not ready for that image.  Making today's appointment and accepting the physical outcome were difficult steps for me. 

 

Most will remember I have always had long brown hair, and I have never had short hair.  In fact, I had short hair in fourth grade, and my sophomore year in high school.  That being said, my long hair has become a part of my personality, and evolved into a security blanket. While working in my former position, my hair was usually fashioned in a bun.  For the past three years, I have become more comfortable with wearing it down.  At times, I have trimmed six inches at a time and tried layers, as a way of being "adventurous." I have always felt special with compliments from friends and strangers alike. My hair is a part of me, and often, a part of my carpet, my clothes, and the damaging force in shower drains and vacuum cleaners wherever I have lived.

 

                                      I AM NOT MY HAIR.............India.Arie

 

Until this last month,  until my diagnosis and treatment plan, I was never faced with the decision to cut my hair in such a drastic fashion.  It became a choice of consequence. 

 

The oncologist and the nurses said, Taxotere, one of my chemotherapy drugs, will cause Alopecia, or hair loss. It will begin to occur within the first month of chemotherapy.  The singer sang "breast cancer and chemotherapy would take my crown of glory," and I faced my fear.  I knew I did not want to watch my long hair fall from my head over the next few months.  I did not want to wake up with pieces of hair left on my pillow or in my bed, or watch pieces come out as I showered or changed my clothing. 

 

I spoke with a friend/coworker, who I knew donated her hair on more than one occasion. I was aware that young women and girls everywhere donated their hair. These donations go to making wigs for children who lose their hair due to alopecia caused by treatment like chemotherapy.  I spoke with a friend/coworker whose cousin owned a hair salon, and asked if he could research how donations are done.

 

Somehow, I had to accept losing my hair as a very real part of my future.  The only way I could "justify" this loss, was to choose to donate my hair. It is not a choice to lose my hair because of cancer and chemotherapy; but I can choose to make that experience less traumatic and less emotionally painful.  I can choose to make it beneficial to others, with a positive result. Not all chemotherapy patients lose their hair, however, I needed to feel I made this decision voluntarily, and that I chose to cut my hair, as opposed to cancer, very likely, taking my hair from me. 

 

Two of the many, many things cancer can take from you include your pride and your vanity.  I say truthfully, I felt that is what I was losing today.  Rather than succumb to those feelings of sadness, rather than feel sorry for myself, as I was so tempted to do, I accepted that my donation will help others, and possibly more than one child.  I accepted I had great friends who were willing to come to the Citrus Salon in Downtown Martinez, and watch Candace cut and style my hair.  I accepted, that I AM NOT MY HAIR.  I am a person who is generous and beautiful, and I still will be, when I lose my hair and wear scarves and baseball caps.  I accepted a fate of my choosing, while I still have that power.

 

 

Special thanks to Tim, Candace, RobbynNicole, Cristina, Kim, Kyomi, and Jalen.

 

 

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Tomorrow, I take another painful step on this journey, as I prepare for chemotherapy next week.  My next posting will be Sunday, and I hope you will continue with your support.