September 7, 2015

Hello Everyone and welcome back.  I would have posted earlier, but I fell asleep.  So, its still Sunday night, kinda...

Thank you for returning to check in.  I will continue to post monthly entries, and respond to your emails and messages. 

Since last entry, I have kept busy with work and personal activities.  I like having something to do after work hours, whether its going to the gym, meeting a friend for dinner, working a second job, or practicing softball with friends.  I stay busy by staying active.  I have attended a few baseball games, and some junior football games.  I joined some friends in Palm Springs and just returned from a road trip to Humboldt with my parents. September includes more running around.

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The posted photo is an appreciation of those who I surround myself with.  I think about Team Sosa every day, and remember how important it is to surround myself with support.  Every person should acknowledge and be grateful for any support system in their lives, no matter how small.  I am very glad to know, if I need something, I can always ask.  There will always be the independent Sosa, who can do it all on her own.  One thing, I have changed in my life, is taking opportunities to ask for help.  That truly makes the hard times, a little less hard.

Part of that, too, is being open about life and what has happened in the past year and a half.  Sometimes, people still have difficulty understanding that I am still Stage 4, and "don't look it."  A lot of people have said, if they did not know I had lost my hair, they would never have guessed I did not mean to cut it short.  Alternatively, some people still look at me with sympathy, or as if I am dying. They wonder why I did not have surgery or spend months in the hospital.  I acknowledge everyone who has the courage to ask me why. I always search to find a better way to explain that I am "living with cancer," because some people only hear "cancer," and not the "living" part.....

I can also understand its very difficult for those people, just from their own experiences.  Most people have friends or family who are diagnosed, and they do not live very long.  Or, they live longer but are in obvious treatment (no hair,  lots of hospital trips, no job).  We have lived so long with medicine that does not cure cancer, it is hard to accept there is medicine that treats cancer. 

I continue to receive treatment to keep my cancer under control. It allows me good quality of life, or it has for the past year. That is the benefit of more medicine, developed by continued donations and fundraisers, like this upcoming October pink events.  I have friends with different forms of cancer who are in lifelong treatment, like me.  I also have met plenty of cancer survivors.  They have been treated and continue to be tested cancer free.  Medicine has come a long way in improving quality of life for those who have completed treatment, and those who continue to endure it.

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Right now, I take one pill a day.  This medicine is the second in a variety of medicines I will take to keep my cancer from spreading beyond its current state.  Some people have chemo or radiation to slow down their active disease.  These treatments are advancing quickly in lowering risks of recurrence and managing dreadful side effects.

I am aware the medicine I take slows things down for a few years, before the disease becomes something else. And, I will get another CT scan this month, and all forms of treatment go back on the table. 

Until then, and as usual, I will still be out there, working hard, breaking hearts, laughing harder, crying less, and smiling more.

See you in October............................Love, Sosa

 

 

August 2, 2015

 

As promised, I have returned for another entry.  I took a few weeks off just to take a break.  I also work two jobs, which includes Sunday nights. 

 

I hope things are well with everyone, as my friends have travelled this summer, both for enjoyment and in support of their children in various sporting events.

 

I just wanted to check in to say its going alright.  I stay very busy which does not leave time for much else.  I deal daily with bone aches and pain, and hot flashes and fatigue.  Ironically, fatigue doesn't lead to great sleep.  I manage my symptoms as anyone else manages theirs.  People treat all kinds of diagnoses with medicine or exercise or alternative methods.  I do the same.  

 

It is not always easy.  Some people say I have made the treatment look easy.  The medicine makes things easier.  But easier does not mean easy.  Some days are harder than others for all kinds of reasons.  I can only focus on better days ahead.

 

That is how I seem stronger.  By focusing on the things I can affect in a positive manner, and accepting the reality that exists.  I admit there are days I do not feel as strong.  There are days I feel alone, and days I feel like its hard.  But I remember, chemotherapy is hard, treatment is hard, surgery is hard.  Dying is hard. 

 

So until it comes to that, this is easier than it could be.  I focus on what I can handle.  I focus on remaining strong. And I rely on the strength of others to help me when it gets hard.

 

 

I will return with another entry the first Sunday in September.  Email me directly if you want to chat before then. 

heysosateamsosa@gmail.com

 

Be well, Love, Sosa

July 5, 2015

This week I lost a member of my support group to cancer.  She was an advocate for others during her ten year battle and she will be missed.  Like our friend Marie, she wished for a celebration of her life, upon her departure. 
Thank you Jean, for your spirit.


Holding on to memories of experiences and lessons learned, is essential to making good choices. Learning from mistakes and accepting the past is part of that balance.  Letting go of the anger and regret with the past is much more difficult.  Even figuring out what causes anger or regret is just as difficult.

People I know have lost their lives to cancer these last few weeks.  Its very easy to hold on to the grief. Those feelings can hover and remain for more than just a few days. Eventually, it will be easier to loosen the grip on grief. I believe it is just as important to let go. That decision is unique to the individual, and can only come with time.  It is part of the balance.

As I have written, I choose to live my life as normally as possible.  But it does not mean I am not dying.  I am not in denial about the disease I have or the reality of its damaging effects.  When friends lose their family members, it is a reality check.  Do not think me foolish; I understand this road.  Being on this journey means I travel uphill, a lot.  I am reminded daily of everything.  And I am reminded more often lately, of how cancer touches the lives of people who do not have the disease.

I do not wish grief upon anyone; I acknowledge it is part of accepting loss.  Writing in the blog, is a way of accepting loss.  Celebrating the lives of those who fought bravely against an incurable enemy, is another way of understanding grief and loss.  It is finding solace in granting the wishes of how the loved ones wanted to be remembered.  Eventually, it is holding on to the memories and letting go of the grief.

Love, Sosa

I am taking a break from the blog and will return the first week Sunday in August.

June 28, 2015

Plumeria is an island flower.  I will think of Hawaii and Marie whenever I see it.  Last week, my community lost a friend to this disease.  She fought hard through a very difficult and lengthy treatment.  She has a great family and many who loved her smile.  We will miss you, Marie.

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This week, I introduced another friend to my blog.  While he isn't diagnosed, he knows people who are.  I try to communicate resources to others, because that's the necessary information to prepare oneself for the road ahead.

I was fortunate enough to sit down with another young person this week.  She is diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and in the first cycles of chemotherapy.  We discussed resources like the American Cancer Society and the Cancer Support Community.  We talked about the "new normal," and how facing the disease means adjusting to its rules.  We talked about communicating with loved ones and being selfish. 

That part will always be difficult for some people, but necessary to power through the tough days.  We talked about being emotional, but only briefly each day.  Giving time to grieve is important to understanding the long road ahead.  But it does not help to be sad all the time.  It is important to allow time to process emotions, like anger and sadness. Everyone has right to their feelings and opinions.  Then let it go.

Being able to talk with another young person about cancer is a very special experience.  When I first walked into support groups, there were very few people my age. I met a few people as the months went on, and I am glad to keep in touch.  Being diagnosed before age 40 or 50, separates a generation of people who may still want to be married, or have children, or are still working full time.  In this lifetime, there are more people who are choosing to start their lives after age 30.  Its bittersweet to think about young people who were saving those decisions for later, are now faced with a shorter time, hindered with treatments, and an unknown future.

I don't know how long I have.  But neither does anyone else.  The rest of my journey will be harder, this is true.  But it does not mean I don't want to reach my personal goals. I still want to move out of my apartment, and travel, and have some dogs, and fall in love.  I tell myself, and others, every day, that I am living with cancer.  "With" is the key word.

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Love, Sosa

June 21, 2015

Happy Father's Day.
If you know my old man, send him a hello.  Maybe you played ball for him, or he taught you something new.  Or you recognize him because he looks exactly the same for the past twenty years....


This weekend, I stopped by a Relay for Life event in Vacaville.  It was over a hundred degrees, so I could not stay too long.  It was wonderful to see all the people walking, and a few crazy people running, during the 24 hour event.  There were lots of participants when I stopped by, and I am sure there were more coming.  The American Cancer Society uses the Relay for Life event to increase awareness and honor the fallen.  It is a great experience, and I hope to participate in the event next year, or with other local towns. 

Here is a link: http://relay.acsevents.org/site/PageServer?pagename=relay&gclid=CjwKEAjwwZmsBRDOh7C6rKO8zkcSJABCusnbtdQ6gJMduqfKxHGT_sA14QAmyY0crJdBa1RlhWq5GhoCPF7w_wcB


Another link I would like to post has to do with a viral video about Metastatic Breast Cancer.  A woman uses note cards to explain her perspective about having the disease.  Her video encourages people to understand breast cancer and what a re-diagnosis means.  I am in the 6-10% initially diagnosed. 
Hopefully, this video and the links that she recommends will provide some more understanding for your friends and family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDQ0FjP7J-c

Have a good week,
Love, Sosa

 

July 14, 2015

Flag Day

 

and Happy Birthday to Meg and TJ.

 

The blog has been viewed over 15,000 times since it began over a year ago.  I appreciate those who take the time to look at past entries and share with others.  People are diagnosed every day, which means family and friends are faced with understanding and accepting the change that cancer has on their lives.

 

One thing that I don't discuss too much is mortality.  I continue to put faith in the medicine that is extensively researched and proven to work. Even knowing that the standard treatment of surgery and chemotherapy will not save me. Research has proven that catching breast cancer early and treating it aggressively can ensure a long, cancer free life.  Research has shown that those with cancer that returns later in life, can continue to live life with available treatment.  Quality of life is improved because medicine controls the spread of the disease. 

 

That means more people are living after being treated for breast cancer. 

 

And, more people like me are living with the treatment for breast cancer.  That means my quality of life is good, because of improvements in medicine.  I will continue on my current non-chemo treatment until my doctor decides chemo or surgery is that way to go.  It is not an easy task not to think about cancer every day, because it just isn't.  That is part of my life now.  But it is not my whole life. 

 

I do not think abut dying as if that's my only reason for living.  Yes, cancer is devastating because it affects the patient and their friends and family.  But, unless it has taken over your everyday functions, it doesn't have to be everything and anything.  I remain very active and live with the disease.  It's all I can do.  I am no more different than anyone else, but I adapted a different perspective on a lot of things. 

 

Accepting my disease means I accept my mortality.  Some things may happen to me sooner than others, or not.  Some people will be diagnosed after me, and leave this Earth sooner, because of the disease they have and the journey chosen.  As anyone who has experienced the trauma of loss can attest, the experience is not easy, or brief, or simple to explain.  But, after time, and education, and support, and grief, acceptance will eventually come.

 

One day, it will get more difficult.  One day, it will become very, very hard.

 

But I don't think about that day.  I think about tomorrow.

 

Love, Sosa

 

Go Dubs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 7, 2015

 

 

The photo above is of a gift from Major League Baseball for being a finalist in the Honorary Batgirl contest.  I now have two little pink bats and one very special big one. Pretty cool.

 

This week was rough at first, but eventually much easier because I was distracted with work and life.  Watched some softball, some basketball, and went to a Giants game.  I am very lucky to have spent lots of time with friends. 

 

And now I have a cold. And I stubbed my toe.  Oh well, so is life. 

 

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This was a week of very happy news for friends and very tough news for others.  I watched people focus on the negative aspects of certain events.  There is so much time wasted on anger and frustration with the things that cannot be changed.  It is so fruitful to take the time to see things differently, and fight through the emotions that challenge us.  Accept the help from others, regardless of your pride.   Its hard, I know.  And trust in whatever you need to trust in.

 

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On Facebook this week, I watched and shared a video of a woman who was treated for breast cancer, which returned later.  She reminded her audience that there is no cure once it returns.  Early diagnosis is key to preventing the recurrence.  And its true that treatment is not a guarantee.  But the science has developed to give more men and women a greater chance than ever to prevent recurrence and live long healthy lives.

 

What else is good about the medicine, as this woman said in her message, is that survivor like me, who are in the 10% of diagnosed with Metastatic Cancer at their first diagnosis, is that the medicine is there and allows us to live while in treatment.  She used the term "Lifers," which I think is appropriate.

 

I say this often, but it is a reminder.  I may have a cold, or car problems, but I still cook and clean and get up every day.  I choose to live. 

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The word "WARRIOR" means a little bit more this week.  Go Dubs.

 

 

 

Love, Sosa