January 4, 2014

Dear Nurse Liz,

Last night was so difficult.  I was so angry, and so sad.  I'm exhausted today from all the emotions of sadness and grief. 

My friend called me and told me you died.  He knew I needed to know right away.  I was lucky to be with friends who supported me in my overwhelming grief.  My friends made sure I got home safe and I wasn't alone. 

Facebook has been a wonderful medium for people to share the news of your passing. Its bittersweet you started an account a few months ago. You touched so many lives, not only as a nurse, but as a friend. I have always appreciated my relationship with all the nurses.  I still try to wrap my head around how long we have worked together, nearly twenty years.  We dealt with emergencies together, but mostly we were able to smile and laugh about life together.  Working where we do, its hard to smile all the time, but you always did.  Even when it was crazy.  But I guess we all have a high tolerance for crazy, don't we?

Not many people know we went on a boat trip together many years ago.  Not everyone knows my mother is a nurse, and that's why I related to all the nurses.  Nurses, and children of nurses, speak the same language. 

You saved lives.  You helped save Ed.

I don't know why this didn't save you.  I am so angry about it.  The medicine was supposed to save you.  I know it was hard.  We talked about it.  I listened to how hard your chemo was and your fear of losing your hair. You were so concerned about what it would take to beat cancer and be there for your family. You told me you read my blog and I was an inspiration to you.  We were going to beat this together.  I know you were emotional, but you had every right to be sad and angry.  I know because I was the same way. 

Liz, I'm glad we got to talk as you faced your cancer.  I'm glad that I was able to listen and offer advice.  I'm glad your friends posted pictures of your smiling face, and I met your family through softball.  I'm glad you don't have to fight anymore and I'm glad you aren't in any more pain.

Tomorrow will be hard.  Watch over us as we grieve.  Help us, help me not to be angry.  Help us remember the fun times and your funny laugh and your silly smile.  Help us heal.

I am still fighting, Liz.  I will fight every day.

Love you,
Andrea